While searching for a Valentine's Day card for a boyfriend about 5-6 years ago, my inner monologue had a malfunction. I said, in a loud teacher voice, "Where's the 'I Don't Love You Anymore and I'm Breaking Up With You Tomorrow' section?" Apparently I hadn't noticed the nice man standing next to me, nor the 14 other people in the store. We were all last minute card shoppers. Normally I wouldn't be caught dead in ANY store the day of a "major" holiday, but this was a def-con 5 emergency. I hadn't gotten a single thing for my boyfriend for V-Day. As you can probably tell, I was NOT feeling the love anymore and didn't even want to spend $5 for a stupid card that didn't convey my true feelings anyway. What a waste...of my time AND money! Anyway, my plans to break his drunken heart needed to be kept secret (from him at least, since the whole store now knew about it), as I didn't want to forever ruin his Valentine's Days from here to Kingdom Come.
Let's be honest. Unless you're a complete jerk devoid of ANY remorse or empathy, you just don't break up with someone on Valentine's Day proper. If you're just a pseudo-jerk, maybe you do it the day before...save yourself some money and the hassle of trying to find a V-Day present that doesn't convey "lifetime commitment." I am neither jerk nor pseudo-jerk, so I prepare to make nice on the actual holiday and give a card that doesn't even hint at the devastating heartbreak that is going to befall my sweetie within 24 hours.
OK-back to the story. So, there I am, searching for a generic "Happy Valentine's Day" card...maybe one that's even blank on the inside. I find said card, pay for it, and my friend and I head to our favorite bar for an apre-shopping cocktail. After the liquid courage had time to permeate my bones, I headed home to sign the darn card, and patiently wait for him to return from work. (My friend headed home for what I'm sure was a romance-filled evening with her hubby-to-be.) I open the door and am hit with the smell of my boyfriend's go-to dinner cooking in the kitchen. He had not only gotten off work early, he had also cooked dinner AND gotten me flowers and a proper Valentine's Day present. Oh yeah, and a card. Crap. Well, it gives me yet more confidence that I'm about to make the right choice, as even for Valentine's Day we aren't on the same page. I couldn't even eat the dinner he'd prepared, but I loved the sparkly sweater.
Fast-forward to the next day. I come home from my favorite watering hole to find boyfriend on the sofa...tipsy as usual. Given last night's lack of escapades, he'd figured out my plans for today and ended up breaking up with me first! ARGH! Guess I could have saved that card money after all.
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